Can’t Fight This Feeling

 Hello, my name is Celeste, and I am addicted to caffeine and nicotine, and there isn’t a word for that yet. 

We are really lacking in terminology for all kinds of disorders, yet there’s a word for every phobia that may or may not exist, because mental health is a precious thing, a precarious balance of this and that chemical, inherited or store bought, highly underrated, and explored as much and as little as the depths of our oceans.

I’m just realizing how much i rely on my coffee and smokes to get through the day, even here in Virginia. Luckily, my brother bought me some instant, since there is no coffee maker; and without my own car I am still able to get to the store everyday to get these Montegos (god bless the manufacturer devoted solely to my pleasure. Or demise). I use my brothers Subaru. I think it’s a reasonable cause.

I fought and won a battle with alcohol, because addiction was not good to me, and I have been thinking: do I really want to be addicted to anything? I claim these vices enhance my quality of life, and help me cope now that I am sober. But really, they just make me jones.

Well, you should know, as I type this I am “high” right now: I’ve had a leftover Dunkin coffee, a cup of instant, a medium McDs mccoffee, another cup of instant, a sugar free Red Bull (cause it seems like the loyal thing to do, even tho they’re so expensive, and why sugar free, god knows), and another cup of that good old Juan Valdez instant; plus I’m balancing the nub of a cig as I write, not to mention the dozens I have “casually”  smoked today. Too much? I wouldn’t recommend it for you, my reader, the average Joe (I needed that pun), it may induce psychosis; but I am experienced, and I know what I’m doing, or as my roommate would say, I slept at a motel 8 last night, so im qualified, and possibly a doctor. Amen!

No, really, jokes aside, I could be straddling life and death as I ride the lightning on a bucking bronco. Lord knows, it helps me write (who even reads this bullshit? There, I said it).

Most of my smoking is mindless (even though I’ve tried “mindful” smoking), and I drink coffee like it’s water. I’m just existing (maybe on a higher level?). 

But I swear I’m fine. 

Really. 

(Must stop writing now…)

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