Blinded By the Light

 Well, I’m going to give this a shot and see how it goes. Or as lieutenant Dan would say, going to try out my sea legs :/ 

I don’t know if laughter is the best medicine, and I don’t even know how I would describe laughter (a spontaneous physical response to humor, kind of like a funny sneeze…?) but it is a silver lining in this shitty situation (life). My family hasn’t had the best luck, and if the whole ship sinks one day I will say at least we had a good laugh. My dad had a sense of humor that I can’t put into words (struggling to do that lately) but i believe it has enriched every member of my family. My dad made us laugh a lot. 

My dad passed away Saturday May 16 at advent hospital in Ormond beach. Although it was slightly expected and almost unavoidable, as his health had drastically declined (he was “only” 61), this was very heartbreaking to me and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody…yet we all will lose our parents, unless we die before them, like my sister, which we should not. I hope my dad and sister are together in heaven (say hi to grandpa, too!). 

John and I just got back from a trip up North (literally just got home a few hours ago). I took my dad’s ashes to Virginia so that my brother and I could scatter them in the Shenandoah river. He liked to fish there. He just liked the river in general. He liked a nice back road drive to a spot called low water bridge. We wanted to scatter them there but people were fishing on the bridge and we didn’t want to disturb them, so the next best spot was the government pond (you’re probably thinking theses are weird names for places, but this is page county Va). I totally forgot about the pond on kimball road, but oh well. There were yet more fisherman at this pond on a beautiful day in June, so you know what? We walked through the woods to the river and plunked through the water to a small island and gently poured his ashes into the Shenandoah (The concept of cremation freaks me out, but that’s what dad wanted before he died, so I just went along with the process). And then we got lost.

We took an unmarked and very overgrown path to the river and when we tried to walk back we went in a horseshoe back to the river, which freaked us out. There is very little to orient yourself in the woods. We made a boo-boo. So we walked a semi straight line back to the pond, in a semi panic (and oddly kept our drinks in hand), getting cut by briars and climbing over fallen trees. These woods aren’t huge, but big enough to be engulfed by them. Finding our way back to the pond was such a relief and a very sobering experience. 

So that’s my story of how my brother and I almost got lost in the woods.

And I’d like to say that was the end of my anxiety, but no. I really don’t like driving the interstate, aka 95, but I did it anyway. And the more I drove the more the fear went away, but a little morsel in my brain always reminded me that I could die going this fast down a highway (even though I refuse to go any faster than 70, and that’s still too fast for me). So I drove as little as possible, which is not fair to John, but he is a better and faster driver than I am and I trust him completely, as in I’d probably follow him through the woods in the dark :/ 

 While in Virginia I went to visit my mom at her skilled nursing center. She is recovering from some health issues which she needs extra care for. It’s a nice place. My mom wanted pizza so she ordered one and shared it with the other residents in the activity room. My mom loves pizza. That was a definite silver lining for her. 

We got a motel room for a night on our way back to Florida. I woke up early and got a coffee in the lobby. I thought about the devotions I used to start my day with and how they brightened my day. I actually did used to pray. But the only thing I could come up with in my mind was “god have mercy on us in this cogged wheel of shit.” I know that’s not nice, but that’s how I think. I guess I forget my silver linings.

Anyways. My friend Ray gave me a cute sign that says “she had the soul of a gypsy, the heart of a hippie, and the spirit of a fairy.” I think that’s cool, even though it’s not quintessentially me, it is something to aspire to.


***I hope you remember your silver linings and that they are so bright they blind you***





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