Drops of Jupiter: There She Goes

 “Drawn into the stream, of undefined illusion, those diamond dreams, they can’t disguise the truth…” —Level 42, There’s Something About You

When I broke up with my boyfriend five years ago, he told my mother “I hope she finds herself.” (That’s what he thought I was doing, going to find myself?)

Well, I found Jesus, instead…and then I did find myself (Here I am!). No, really. I wasn’t being true to myself in that relationship (no offense to him). I think most women can relate to that. We try to change ourselves in order to be deserving of love. And we probably do shit that piss men off, like talk too long on the phone (and too much in general), take too long in the bathroom, etc. But it’s part of the package, just like we put up with them monopolizing the tv watching sports. 

I’m being cliche (and stereotypical). And I digress. 

I have never felt more like myself than I do now. I had to go through all that drinking crap and weed smoking to find out that’s not who I am, and it’s not good for me. And I’m not a country music booze cruise chick either. I’m me. I can put on different outfits and change character, but at the end of the day I’m the girl who grew up in a little trailer park in the small town of Luray. 

I can deny my childhood, but it shaped me, and the memories continue to make me laugh, as my parents both have a sense of humor, which me and my brother inherited (walking like a pimp!). It wasn’t all funny (two wrecked cars to go with two DUIs, and a domestic violence shelter, specifically (don’t worry, there was no physical abuse. just verbal)), but like my Sunday school teacher Ms. Palmer said, you can’t make a cake without bitter things like baking soda and baking powder. And that cake turned out damn good. Hey, life is good…maybe even sweet (I’m still working on my outlook). I’m the first college graduate in my family, and my brother is a Marine.

And now our sister is In The Sky With Diamonds, but I always remember she was true to herself. When she loved she loved completely. When she didn’t like something she was honest about it. And when she liked something she wasn’t ashamed. It reminds me of two lipsticks I have of the same shade: one is called  Deep Love, and the other Not Ashamed. I think there’s a correlation there.

And I did finish that art journal for my sister, and it is AWESOME. I didn’t get all the song lyrics in there that I wanted to, but the ones I used are perfect. I wish she could see it. I wish I did stuff like that for her when she was here. She knew I was artsy and creative. We were different, for sure, but we complemented each other, like peanut butter and jelly (and that singing banana… (and Bocephus! Get down with a crawdad! lol, that’s for you)). We could have accomplished great things together if we weren’t so busy with boys and…getting high :( it’s true.

I’ve always like the song Higher by Creed. I never knew getting higher would involve me getting sober.

Hindsight is 20 20, and foresight for some is 420. Hey, do you. I like coffee and cigarettes, I’m no one to judge. And I’m not ashamed. Like I said, I jumped on the smoking-is-cool train when that train had already left the station (and is unfortunately still deadly…but I have faith in science; here’s to the future), but I started a lot of things late in life. Oh well.

Here’s to being true to yourself and finding yourself…all “the good and the true and the beautiful” (R. Bell). There’s lots of it, but don’t take my word for it.

Peace.