Pilgrim in the Trailer Park

 This is to be read/sung to the tune of Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar : We got dumpsters, we got motherf*****s Good ol’ boys and fronters We got Dollar General and A Convenience Store The Boat Bar and The (First) Turn All walking distance So you don’t need a car You can get drunk just right where you are Ooh ooh oh I love this park We got night owls, we got fishermen, Three docks and one fire pit We get hurricanes And we don’t give a shit The cops come by for welfare checks And the Mexican drives his white van in the dark Ooh ooh oh I love this park It’s in my kind of state (Florida) Living in a real house would be such a waste It’s not too hard To fall from grace  You can stay inside and hide  but it won’t save you face Ooh ooh oh I love this park I’ve seen possums, I’ve seen raccoons Like Forest Gump said “My mama just chase em off with a broom” But we give em food We got stray cats by the dozens  Scratching and humping each other And we got ladies, they’re real ...

 If you’ve been reading the Satan stories…that’s cool. They’re fun to write. Why did I call it Satan Lives in Riverside Park? I wanted to get your attention, first, and because it’s kind of a joke, and a mystery. Well, I live in Riverside Park…am I  Satan? (I don’t know why spell check keeps capitalizing that word; he must be important). Maybe. What I did was pretty evil. And most people say I’m a nice person. I’m glad I only really drank for eight years of my life, the last year being the absolute worst. Do I really think my alcoholic ex boyfriend is really Satan? No. He’s kind of a mean drunk, but he has his positives. He took a chance on a girl thirty years younger than him…who eventually screwed him over (one drunk is bad, but what’s worse is two drunks who think they’re in love). I have guilt about that, but like A.A. says, it’s best not to make amends to some people. As my Uncle Cravon used to say, Let sleeping dogs lie.  Yet I write these stories, for my benefit an...

 Yes, I think it is. That’s not what I set out to do. I just wanted a platform for my writing, and I ended up coming up with a cool name. But it’s not a trailer park blog either. Maybe it’s a Florida blog. A sober Florida blog (cause that makes sense). 

 “Saving all your food stamps and burning down the trailer park…” — Loser by Beck The “forces of evil in a bozo nightmare” were conspiring against me. I couldn’t stay home and get drunk and pass out like a normal person. Because I couldn’t sleep there; I couldn’t sleep at all . Even though I was comfortable in my warm buzz, once I laid down my thoughts exploded like bird shot, like my mind was in a Daytona 500 (my brain was drunk, but my psyche was on point), and after a short time (15 to 30 min) I would start withdrawing from the alcohol and my heart would race, so it was back to the antics. The fatigue was a ruse, like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. During one non-nap I saw Jesus, or what I thought was Jesus, in a negative photo film, Shroud of Turin like image. He didn’t appear in order to save me. Just to spook me (the funny Jesus. I knew he had a sense of humor). My favorite place to be was at Ross’, even though I don’t think he wanted me there, but he didn’t know how...

 “I used to be such a sweet sweet thing til they got a hold of me…” — Alice Cooper Peter Criss thinks he knows about Dirty Living. And maybe he does (unless he really was that guy they thought was him, that homeless alcoholic on Donahue). I’m not claiming to be street smart (I’m more like street stupid), and I’m not a “street walker,” like my neighbor Jim says (lol), but I saw enough of these streets. And it was not good.  After Tennessee Morgan Freeman kicked me off his property, I went back to the trailer that I was never at and drank myself into oblivion. That’s what it seemed like anyways. And I did not go to work the next day. And I did not call to tell them I wasn’t coming. And I never did, so I basically ghosted them (and that is why I am probably on the black list and can’t get a job). When I woke up at midnight I drove out to 711 to get a case of beer, so I could drink and get some sleep. I thought it would be nice to drink it on the dock, so that’s what I did. I met ...