Get With The Program

 My former therapist told me “you won’t stay sober long without a program” (That’s why she’s a former therapist, just like all the others). She meant A.A. Which I don’t attend (and it’s not because I’m not an alcoholic. I wish that was the reason). Why? When it’s right up the street, too (and so are a couple bars (if that’s not a coincidence, godsend, or a cosmic joke…)). I was going the first time I got sober, like for a solid two months every morning at 8 am (there’s nothing like an AA meeting to get you out of bed. Oh, and the coffee). But I never spoke, except to say “Hi, I’m Celeste and I’m an alcoholic” (I’m adding words. It was more like “Celeste. Alcoholic.”). But even saying that made me nervous, and honestly being there the whole time made me nervous. I volunteered to read the “Promises” and that made my voice shake, like I was back in high school giving a presentation. So I declined that and kept quiet and clung tightly to my styrofoam coffee cup. Even other people talking made me nervous, especially if they sat next to me because I knew people would be staring my way (signs of a social anxiety disorder? Why do you think I drank?). I never got a sponsor and I never started the steps (well I will give myself some credit and say I did step one which was admit I had a problem). Maybe that’s why I relapsed. A.A. was scary and I couldn’t get the hang of it. But I loved the big book, I loved that people wrote their stories, because I’m a writer (I would love to write my story one day).

So the second time I got intentionally sober (even though my aunt claimed I wouldn’t be a “white chipper” (iykyk), A.A. wasn’t part of my plan. But coincidentally I became really religious, so I was connecting to the higher power that A.A. talked about. And that helped me. So did the medicine. So did the fact that I’m not allowed to drink in John’s house (ever. again.). And that I reconnected with my family. And that I started eating healthy and sleeping well, because like Dr powers told me “We’re all kinda like babies. We need sleep and food [or we get cranky].” All that helped, even though I know it’s not enough to save you from the horrible disease that is alcoholism, but those changes were so drastically different from the way I had been living (depressed, paranoid, and anorexic, cooped up in a trailer without sunshine, living on beer, weed, and and otc sleeping pills (and still suffering from insomnia). All my choice btw (rob bell says if we want hell we can have it, it’s our choice)). 

I would like to return to AA, not to take the advice of my therapist, but for my own benefit and to re connect. I actually did attend a couple weeks back, but I had the same experience: nervous. So nervous I was almost shaking and about to cry (and I’m not even drinking. (It’s almost two years btw :)). My first thought was it was due to the proportion of men to women; it was a whole room of men and just three women (my friend claims that all the biker dudes at NA are really nice once you get to know them). I’m not scared of men…I’m just intimidated by them. So my second instinctive thought was “wow there is some bad ju ju here,” (as in, please leave your demons at home). And since that can’t be true, the problem is just…me (I told you Taylor swift! (Maybe I have the demons and they’re pissed just like Eddie Murphy when he went into that church in Vampire in Brooklyn. Idk).

So how do you solve a problem like Maria? You give her a lollipop and a teddy bear, and tell her to go sit in a corner. Or you could let her start a blog. Voila. (You know im kidding (but the stuffed bear really does help. I swear by it/him)). 

So for now I have to do the home school version of this sober thing because I can’t go to a meeting without having a meltdown (it might help if they let me smoke in the meeting, just saying (or bring the bear)). And if I am doomed to fail then “I’m taking my time on my ride,” like Twenty One Pilots says. But that won’t happen. So don’t be worried. Cause I’m not.