Sorry Santa

 Dear Santa,

Merry Christmas to you. I’m going  a little bit crazy(er) from being off this medicine that I’m supposed to be on. Well, Merry Christmas to me. As if the holidays need to be any more stressful. You should know. I’m not really asking for any material things this year (imagine that (I finally have the trifecta: a hair straightener, a curling iron, and a blow dryer. So I’m good)). I would like more for things to “materialize” (make it happen, baby! Sorry). It would be nice if you could restore me to sanity, with your magical Santa powers. Also, I’m in need of a job, so I was wondering if you have any job openings in the North Pole, like for toy making, etc (except cleaning up reindeer poop. No can do). That will be far to travel, and being that I don’t have my own car, I will need transportation, like a magic Santa sleigh, with a couple of reindeers, of course (like the sub compact version? I am willing to lease). Just think about it. I have a great  resume. And driving record. But I have two questions: Can I smoke in the sleigh? And will reindeers eat cat food? Just asking. I am also asking — and this is a very serious request — if you could return our beloved cat Sherman to us. He is black and white and he is a tank, you can’t miss him. It would make John very happy, and that would make me happy, too. I can’t get him Jagermeister this year because I’m sober and I don’t want any alcohol in the house (trailer, I mean), so could you throw in a carton of Senecas? (menthol, please (I’m sure you get a lot of requests for cats and cigarettes)). What can I say, I’m a selfish non-alcoholic. Anyways, I have been good this year, I think…I haven’t had one drink! Suffice it to say, I will not be spiking the egg nog. But I can put some rum in your milk, if you promise to drink it all (what am I saying, I don’t have any rum (Sorry, Jack Sparrow)). Sorry for the hard asks, but you are Santa after all, kinda up there with God (but not to be confused with Satan. Sorry about that mess). And sorry for all the parentheses, especially the double ones; those can be confusing. That’s just how I write.

Sincerely, Celeste

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