Bad Medicine

 I mentioned in my last post that I stopped one of my medications. That was the vistiril (I ran out of it and I figure I don’t need it. I don’t). Well, now I just quit another one. It’s an anti psychotic called Zyprexa. I was taking the generic, Olanzapine. My doctor said it’s a mood stabilizer (he’s the one who can’t remember that I don’t drink anymore. I think I need a new doctor). I don’t know what it is. I just know they prescribed it to me in the hospital a year and a half ago. They must have needed to amp up my treatment. I asked the nurse when she gave it to me if it was going to make me psychotic. She said “well, if it does, honey, you’re in the right place!” She was right about that ( at the time it wasn’t funny, but looking back it is. I’ll save hospital stories for another time). Anyways, I don’t think I need it anymore. You might think that’s crazy (and that would be more reason to take the medicine…). But i don’t want to be on all these drugs. So I just take the remeron (“omg how many drugs do you take?!”), which helps with sleep and depression, so at least I’m taking something, and a person like me should be on something ( Or is on something (I swear it’s just caffeine and nicotine!)). I don’t want to take anything at all, but if I don’t I’m scared something will happen. Something not good (which has happened before, but that’s mostly because I started drinking again or was drinking on top of the medicine). Scared to be without the medicine is like being scared to be without alcohol (which is an alcoholic’s medicine (I was truly scared of being sober. I think every alcoholic is)). But in the end I had to choose the psych meds over the alcohol (and weed) when i decided to get better. And it worked for me.

The medicine was my crutch for getting sober, but now I can walk. I can even run (but I probably shouldn’t cause I think that’s why my back is hurting. Damn sciatic nerve). It’s like, you use all these substances that wreck your brain and then doctors give you more substances (psych meds) to fix the effects from those substances (or as the doctors would say, you were abusing the substances to mask the symptoms of an underlying mental problem (although they wouldn’t say “mental problem.” And definitely not: “here’s some drugs for your mental problem”)). And keep prescribing them to you for years. Who knows what that does to your brain (been seeing a lot of advertisements for tardive dyskinesia, those uncontrollable twitches you get from the use of long term psych meds). The difference is these are the good drugs vs. the bad drugs (I’m certainly not advocating for the bad drugs). And the doctors say you need them to feel good or be normal (“yes” to feeling good, but screw normal!). There are a lot of ways to get better, but we don’t explore them. We run to doctors and psychiatrists and take the magic pill (but if you have major depression you should take the magic pill and then you will be motivated to do things that make you feel better). I don’t have schizophrenia, and I’m not bipolar (I would know by now). I have a little depression, which I’ve had for years (just like every one else). So I’m taking the lowest possible dose of something that helps me get a good nights sleep and increases my serotonin. For now. I don’t want to be on it forever. I don’t want to be on it a year from now. Hopefully I’ll still be writing for this blog in a year and I can let you know if I stop it (AMA! Call the cops! As Robin Williams said in Patch Adams: “I don’t give a rats ass”). Then you can call me crazy.

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