That Time When I Was a Jesus Freak

 “Jesus freaks out in the streets/ handing tickets out for God…” (Tiny Dancer by Elton John)

Yeah, I used to be uber Christian. Not like in-your-face, but in my personal life. I had always went to church growing up (and even went to church camp, vbs, and all that) so I had a strong foundation and background. But it didnt mean much to me because I hadn’t gone through anything hard in my life (except having an alcoholic father (I’m sure he’d prefer “drunk uncle”)), so my prayers weren’t serious and my conviction was minimal.

 But then I had my life changing meltdown in 2021, and I found an old Bible (dated 1939) and Robert Bell’s Love Wins at a thrift store. Bell’s book spoke to me and renewed my faith and I thought maybe God was leading me down this road - “this lonely, lonely road” (Slaughter) - for a greater purpose, perhaps to save me from the heathen way I was living (though it was still good to read drunk or stoned). Yes, Jesus is coming back and is going to save me from this heartbreak. I was a little delusional. I read that book front to back at rehab, and then I read it again after that (oddly another girl there was reading it, too. I took that as a sign). I wrote in the margins and underlined important details and gave my approval with exclamation points. My favorite line? I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen, Jesus said. That was powerful (and it still moves me). I thought about leaving the book at rehab for someone else to discover the revelation I had. But I kept it. I needed it. When I went back to the psych ward last year I had John bring me that book. That’s all I wanted. I read it, searching, groping, but it seemed to have lost its power. Rather, it seemed to condemn me. If love wins, then I was losing, because what I was doing wasn’t loving, or helping anybody; I was selfishly succumbing to a terrible addiction, I was greedily consuming substances to make me numb to the fact that  I was a horrible person with a horrible disease that would kill me (that’s justice, right?). Even though it condemned me I couldn’t deny this book or its truth (I could be the prodigal daughter?). 

So when I came home that spring of 2024 ( I went into the hospital on Good Friday. That has to mean something right?) I kept studying the book and I found Christian radio on 1450 AM. Time to get serious and get this life thing right. And around that time I had my breakdown-crying, God-moment at the treehouse, and that same day I met this guy named Ralph at the park who prayed for me and told me about a women’s fellowship at the church he went to (I never went but I seriously considered it). We had this direct eye contact moment where I knew we both believed in the same God who made this universe. It was a feeling I can’t explain. And then I found this women’s devotional book and every excerpt spoke to me. It lifted me up (and trust me it wasn’t hard cause I was only like 90 pounds). And then I found out my mom had cancer so I became a “prayer warrior” in my own way, mostly asking God please don’t let my mommy die, I need her. And he didn’t, cause he’s a good God. And I swear I didn’t even need the anti-anxiety med my psych prescribed (it’s just an over rated Benadryl), like my anxiety had just disappeared. Well not all at once, but over time yes. And I started seeing my nana and we talked religion together; she has always been religious, being an ex-Catholic converted to Jehovahs Witness. I think she thought I was a little crazy, though. “Our God is a god of war!” she is known for saying (well bring it on!). And, well, this may sound a little crazy, but on John’s porch there are two eroded patches of floor (from the hurricanes) and they looked like two people to me and I thought of the saying Jesus says where two or three are gathered in my name… These were my people, right there on the porch floor! (Are you still with me? Just checking). I sent my mom a spiritually charged letter where I claimed we were “moving into the land of milk and honey.” Okay!

So it was all good: I had the fire of the Holy Spirit and everything. I listened to Dolores Cannon on YouTube, who had some metaphysical perspectives, not religious, but it made sense to me. Then I came across Doreen Virtue, who was a newborn bible thumping Christian, who had come out of the New Age, and she totally denounced Cannon. Why? And what is the New Age? All I needed to know is it is evil, and we needed to pray for Cannons soul (rip) and the lies she promotes. So you know, Dolores Cannon is (was) a hypnotherapist who believes in reincarnation. She takes people into past lives to help them figure out the problems with their current one. She is known for writing several books, among them The Convoluted Universe (“for people who want their minds bent like pretzels”). To Doreen Virtue, it’s all crap and “spiritual heroin” (go figure that one out) and we need to stick to the Bible, which doesn’t say anything about reincarnation (so we think). So I listened to “Virtue” and her podcast New Age to New Heart, which she hosts with a former psychic and former practitioner of ritual magic (all evil), and I forgot about Cannon. Or Yoga. Or anything new age (crystals, horoscopes, etc). 

Phew, I avoided Satan. But my grandma gave me an amethyst ring and she swore by the crystals “healing” properties, so I thought if she believed it I could handle that. Then I found out my neighbor was a “closet Christian” who had gone to church for many years and knew a lot about the Bible. We had something in common, but he knew things I didn’t know.  It was enlightening talking to him. “The only thing that matters is if you’re Saved,” he claims (is it?). I and another friend went with him to church a couple times. Then I stopped going. I gave away my devotional. I stopped listening to the podcast I enjoyed so much. I stopped praying. I became lukewarm…and then I got kinda cold.

And then I sold my soul to the Devil, like Katy Perry. No. Just kidding. I don’t know what happened, I just snapped out of it. Maybe it’s because I started this blog and I gave less time to the religion thing. Or maybe because I was being pulled in so many directions …new age, Jesus, new age, Jesus. I couldn’t choose ( I think there’s room for new age and Jesus). The internet is an amazing thing, and I’ve learned so much. I’m starting to base my religion around near death experiences…basically believing there’s a heaven and I’m going there (just not now). If I need to pray I will. My mom just sent me a Bible verse, 1 Thessalonians 5:16. It says “rejoice evermore.” Yeah. That’s good. Prophecies and promises are being fulfilled. Have no fear.