My Only Vice

 Hey guys, I know I write about smoking a lot in my posts, and I hope it doesn’t come off in bad taste. However, I’m not apologizing for “triggering” anybody (so over that). A little history: I didn’t start smoking until I was 28 (and I’m 32), when I was going through a bad time in my life…basically a nervous breakdown (that’s no excuse. But that’s my excuse!). My dad smokes and i asked him for a cigarette. I just wanted to try it. You could say it was a bad idea, but it was my idea (or the devil, according to my grandmother). Anxiety and depression is no good. Let me say, nicotine is pleasurable and powerful. So don’t even try it. If you smoke, you know what I mean. But I was instantly hooked. It did something to my brain, my already whacked out brain, that I had been flooding with THC and alcohol. It was different. It was stimulating (of course. Come on drug people, know your drugs!). I was bumming them off my dad until he made me get my own packs. Then a couple months later I was bumming them off people at rehab, and actually degrading myself to smoke butts out of ashtrays. Yeah. Nic fits, whatever. But I will say I’d much rather smoke than use the other substances I was using (thank you sobriety). I know there’s an argument there. Anyways, I became like a one pack a day, then a two pack a day, then I got a job and I was back to one pack. But it interfered with my work cause I was always itching to go out for a smoke. I thought it reduced anxiety, but my mother says it actually increases anxiety. My friend Kyle used to tell me “you don’t look right with that thing in your mouth.” And I guess I still don’t. I jumped on the smoking-is-cool train when smoking is no longer cool. Now it’s all about vaping…don’t get me started on that, literally. I’ve had the patch, it kind of works. I’ve used the gum, it’s okay (too much chewing). I’ve tried the pouches…woah, way too strong. So I’m stuck on the cancer sticks. 

So…I’m not going to lead you on by saying I’m going to quit, but I will try to stop making mention of it.

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